[Gospelchristianity] A journal entry to share

Sun Apr 26 23:40:35 EDT 2009

Group,

I once heard a sermon where the preacher said that the greatest miracle in the Bible isn't raising people from the dead or healing the sick, lame or blind. The greatest miracle is that God can take a creature who is absolutely corrupt and dead in their sin and pride and turn them into a creature that loves Him, desires what He desires, and that He keeps them to the end.

I've had an experience in the last few weeks that I'm journaling tonight and, for whatever reason, Father has lain it upon heart to share it with you all. You may be encouraged, challenged and edified by it but, if not, at a minimum, I can brag on God, His glorious riches and mercies, and His supernatural, miraculous power to change a heart of stone to flesh. Just a warning, this is probably too long and drawn out, it's a free-flow of thought and no Pulitzer, but here it is (if you don't care to read the whole thing, you can jump to the bottom, where I've listed some lessons learned, in bold green):

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Jeremiah 2:13 – My people have committed two evils; They have forsaken Me, The fountain of living water, To hew for themselves cisterns, Broken cisterns, That can hold no water.

Ezekiel 11:19-20 – And I shall give them one heart, and shall put a new spirit within them. And I shall take the heart of stone out of their flesh, and give them20a heart of flesh. That they may walk in My statues and keep My ordinances, and do them. Then they will be My people, and I shall be their god.

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For about the last month, since I've started a pretty busy schedule; doing bible studies, Alpha, work, professional certification exam preparation, kids, wife, etc, I have allowed my relationship with God to slowly deteriorate and my idol of control to rise up within me. I thought, “if I could just get through this season, everything will be ok.” So I buckled down and made many lofty plans for how I can balance everything and schedule everything so that everything will go smooth. Yeah, I'd lose a little sleep, but I should be able to handle everything. 

So, slowly, I began to fall behind in everything. The work I used to bring home I couldn't do anymore because I have to study. The work schedule had several kinks thrown into it due to several projects and initiatives hitting at once. I started falling behind with work. My exam preparation instructor told me we would need to study 1-2 hours a night to keep up with learning the material. “Hey, I'm an engineer,” I thought, so I can handle it. I couldn't...now I'm a chapter behind with my schedule. Because I was falling behind, I began to leech out reading, meditating, and praying the things of God and communing with God. The more I fe
ll behind, the more I tried to rely on the flesh to get me through. “Maybe there's something about my plans that aren't lain out well enough,” I thought. “Maybe if I delegate better at work, if I negotiate more study time away from the family, etc, etc,” the plans went on and on and my communion with God became less and less. It hit a point where I hadn't written in my journal or had set-aside communion or worship with God in over a month! What kind of follower of Christ is that, huh?!? That follower of Christ is ME.

In the last 3 weeks, I have been absolutely miserable. I have had anxiety, knots in my stomach, doubts about my abilities, doubts about my worth as a man. On and on I spiraled.....doubts about God, doubts that He would get me through this, doubts that He exists, doubts about my own salvation. As you can see, the lies penetrated and got deeper and deeper. I finally hit a point on Friday where I realized that I would only believe in God if He would answer my prayers to get me through this season. I realized that He may not get me through it, that He may allow me to fail at any one, or more, of these endeavors, and that made me angry. I would think, “God, I've prayed and given things up for you, why won't you supernaturally get me through this!” I didn't want to go to small group on Friday night, I hated the ministry activities I was doing, I hated hearing about God and His work from others. I was MISE
RABLE! I realized that I wanted a supernatural genie that would sweep all my problems away, or give me some sort of microwave instant success.

Oh, the small thoughts and plans we have for ourselves, the Lord had something better in store for me by far.

I prayed and worshiped in desperation to God this Friday night. I was so frustrated because I couldn't even weep over the sins and idols that had overtaken me...I just felt dead.

Saturday morning I had a dream that would be too in-depth to explain here (it's in another journal entry) where God confirmed that I am indeed saved, and that He is indeed still furiously and jealously in love with me and, that if I would called upon Him, the enemy would have no foothold. Saturday morning I thought, “Thanks God, that was a good dream, but I still have a lot to do today.”

I managed to drag myself semi-grumpily through Saturday and part of Sunday. Sunday morning, I prayed to God and tried to commune with Him, desperate for anything that He would give me. I was still fairly dead inside, pretty frustrating, no microwave God-moment....not even after 15 minutes. The things of God still didn't interest me much. I missed so much the passion for God and satisfaction of knowing Him in the past. I didn't know what to do or how to get out of it.

Jumping around a bit, this week, I didn't want to confess my condition to anyone...I didn't want to go to small group in case someone asked. I didn'
t feel like seeking a prayer request, so I settled with mentioning it to a couple of people in the small group, making it seem like no big deal; something I'll get through, when in reality I was dying inside. Sunday, though, being more desperate, I confessed my situation to Darren, thanks man, for listening. Thanks as well for the colorful, medical school, rush- week quote on sleep deprivation.

Went to church...at Brendley's class something hit me. He said that we have to beg and plead with God to change our hearts. I've heard God's leadings within me rise up before, and this was one of those times. The Lord said within me, “humble yourself before me, bend to me, I am waiting, this is the solution to your desperation that you've been wanting. “There is no other way.” My pride didn't like to hear this, but I know it was truth.

So, I managed to get through church, go to Sabbath feast, go home, and do some studying. Then I lifted a few weights and went for a run, listening to some I-Pod music, with Haley riding her scooter beside me.

There was this song I didn't particularly like before that I thought I would listen to; just because. So I turned it on and listened to a few versus and it was like the sky parted before me and the Glory of God was thrust upon me. The words and music hit me like a ton of bricks. I began to weep and have an explosion of joy all at the same time. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face! All of
 the sudden, all the past passions for God, His creation, and His Glory swept in! I almost couldn't handle it, I could barely keep running! I walked in the house after my run with so my love for my wife and kids that I could barely stand it! PRAISE GOD AND HIS INFINITE, UNEARNED MERCIES!!!

So here's the bottom line, lessons learned from this past month:

I did NOTHING to cause this joy or to restore my relationship with God except for a few measly worship and prayer sessions. It was God's supernatural hand and purely for His enjoyment and Glory! And He was overjoyed to do it with just a little humility from me!

I MUST commune with God on almost a daily basis, if not daily. I've learned this in the past before. I make sure I have breakfast almost daily to make sure I can get through the day, this is MORE IMPORTANT to ensure I get through the day.

Repentance and faith in Christ isn't just a flu shot, it is a repetitive process.

GOD saves, GOD changes hearts, and GOD re-awakes hearts, supernaturally. All we can do is plead with Him, in humility, and wait. He has His reasons if He doesn't respond right away. We prepare the field, but anything that grows is HIS doing. Continue to humble yourself, in prayer and worship.

That's the end of the entry; in case you're interested, here's the lyrics to the song from today. I know it sounds narcissistic, but it is as if it was a song written JUST FOR my situation: 

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Album: Immersed

Song Title: See Me Through

Artist / Singer: Tim Reimherr

Verse 1:

As I wait for You, would You come and see me through
The darkness of this side
I know it’s all for You, that in the end You would find
A pure and spotless bride

Post-verse:

For I’m a stranger here with You
Struggling inside to be a resting place for You
I was made to be with You
And I don’t truly rest until I find my rest in You
So come and see me through

Verse 2:

As I journey on, You will lead me by Your hand
And receive me in the end
Whom have I but You, and there is none upon the earth
That can save me but You

Pre-chorus:

As I journey on this path of life
Let me find favor in Your eyes
To walk humbly before Your eyes always, always
Whom have I in heaven but You
And only what You say will really see me through
Send forth Your light and truth, and lead me, lead me on

Chorus:

Lord have mercy, ‘cause it’s my only means
To find You here with me, to find you here with me

Bridge:

As for me, I will enter Your house by the mercy You’re giving me now
Your mercy is my only means

Tag:

Life is not right until You split the sky
The Spirit and the bride say, “Come”
We long for the day when You make all things new
We want to be with You

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